Some Place Real
by PunkPinkPower
Summary: The first time Antonio kisses him, he wants nothing more than to kiss back. He wants to wrap his arms around him, hold him close, press against him, whisper in his ear. But he doesn't.


_Notes: I have this headcanon where Jayden is totally gay, but has some internalized homophobia because of the importance placed on having heirs to the samurai powers, and I told Pocky and she goes, "I support that" and then POOF! Jayden-centric angst fic._

The first time Antonio kisses him, he wants nothing more than to kiss back. He wants to wrap his arms around him, hold him close, press against him, whisper in his ear.

But he doesn't.

He pushes Antonio back, away from him, takes a step back, and regretfully wipes at his mouth.

"I-" Antonio stumbles, looking confused. "I'm sorry. I thought, I mean…"

Jayden shakes his head as steadily as he can. "I'm sorry. I don't feel that way." And he lies, like he's become so good at doing. It's the only thing he knows how to do right now. It's the only answer to this impossible situation he's gone over a hundred times in his head since Antonio re-entered his life.

"Oh," Antonio says, and he nods, his face hardening. "Right. Okay."

Jayden avoids him for a day or two, lets Antonio get his feelings in check, and then things go back to normal. They train, fight Nighlocks, grill fish, tell jokes, and he lets Antonio go back to comfortably touching him; a hand on his shoulder, a fist bump, a playful tug on his shirt collar. It's normal. It's good.

It's never enough.

Jayden tries not to think about it. About all the reasons he can't have the only thing he wants. About how stupid it is, in this day and age, to be feeling like this. To be stuck, bound to traditions that shouldn't define him, but do.

He's the head of the Shiba clan. He's the red ranger. He's never had any choices. And all of it's both true and not true at the same time, and Jayden tries not to think about it.

Because even if the day did come where he could step down, where he wouldn't have to carry on his name, Jayden knows there would still be obstacles to their being together.

It's a burden no one else seems to care about. The idea clearly hadn't been impressed on his team the way it had on him as a child. The strength of blood, the importance of unbroken lines, the impossibility of victory without sacrifice.

Only… only he's sacrificed so much already. Must he really sacrifice this too?

He tries to tell Antonio one night, in the dim porch light. He tries to explain about bloodlines, and having children, and belonging to a clan. He tries to make it clear that he doesn't have a choice, that if Lauren never masters the symbol, it will be up to Jayden to carry on the family line while her children work towards it, and he tries to convey all of this without actually saying any of it. He tries.

Antonio narrows his eyes at him from where he sits on the steps, his face going hard the same way it had right after their first kiss. "What are you telling me?"

Jayden looks at him, tries to will him to understand, but in the end he just shakes his head and turns his back. "Nothing," Jayden says, walking away. "I'm not telling you anything."

He remembers his father that night, trying to explain to a confused Jayden what a soul mate was. Jayden can't even remember if he'd asked, or it his father had said something… All he remembers is saying "Yeah, that's Antonio. He's my soul mate."

And then the disappointed look on his father's face, as though Jayden hadn't understood. As though Jayden had it wrong. "No, son. Antonio's not your soul mate."

Jayden remembers shaking his head defiantly. "Yes he is, dad."

"No," his father had said firmly back, "Antonio is a boy. Soul mates are a boy and a girl."

And Jayden, confused, had asked, "Why? That's not fair."

"It's the way it is." His father had answered, and that had been that.

Antonio kisses him again. It's quick, and there's nothing to do about it at the time but let it happen, let Antonio draw back with a relieved smile to see Jayden alive. And Jayden doesn't mind it, as long as no one sees, and as long as it's the only time it happens.

But it's not. It happens again that night, when Jayden tries to get past him in the hallway. Antonio reaches out an arm, wraps it around Jayden's middle, and when Jayden turns his head curiously, Antonio leans close, and presses their lips together.

Jayden grips Antonio's arm, his fingers tightening with self control, as he pulls back. "Antonio," he says, his voice anything but level. "I told you… I can't."

Antonio looks at him like he doesn't understand. "That isn't what you said."

Jayden tries to pull away, but Antonio holds onto him tighter than Jayden can fight right now.

"You said you didn't feel that way, but you do. I see the way you look at me, Jayden," Antonio whispers in a rush, his voice going high. "It's not disgust in your eyes when I kiss you, it's something else. What is it?"

Jayden does pull away then, unable to confront it. He pushes Antonio's arm off, flushes his back against the wall to put a foot of distance between them. Its duty, Jayden wants to say. Its obligation to something bigger than what he wants. But he can't get the words out, because Antonio looks so heartbroken, so shattered, than Jayden can't say anything at all.

"What's wrong with me?" Antonio asks quietly, his voice choked.

"Nothing," Jayden says, rushing forward. He pulls Antonio close, wraps his arms around him, and gets out of range of that awful, crushed look on Antonio's face. "Nothing's wrong with you."

Antonio wraps his arms around Jayden with such fierceness that Jayden knows Antonio is ready to lose him, that he's preparing himself for the worst.

"It's me," Jayden says, and he feels Antonio huff against his neck dejectedly. "There's something wrong with me."

Antonio pulls back from him, and Jayden has to let him go. He knows he does. But he can't. He can't stop gripping Antonio's shoulder, and whatever it is Antonio sees in his eyes when they kiss, he's seeing it now, because he reaches up and grabs onto Jayden's hand with his own before he leans forward and presses their lips together again.

Jayden doesn't pull away. He lets Antonio kiss him, but he can't kiss back. He realizes, as Antonio moves closer, how much more it's going to hurt to have Antonio and then lose him than it would to have never had him at all. Only never having him was never an option, and Jayden knows it.

He's always had Antonio.

That's probably what makes it so hard to turn his head away, to let Antonio clash into his neck, making a noise that sounds like some part of him is in agony.

"I'm sorry," Jayden says, stepping back, looking away. "I just… I can't. Please try to understand."

Maybe he flirts a little bit with Emily the next day. Maybe he compliments Mia and gives her a genuine smile right in front of Antonio. But its Antonio he runs to when the battle turns ugly, and the entire team demorphs. It's Antonio he takes a hit for. It's Antonio he lifts to his feet when the Nighlock disappears. And it's Antonio who shoves his hands off and steps away, giving Jayden that same hard, crushed look.

It's not normal anymore. And it's not good.

Antonio doesn't touch him. He keeps his distance, purposefully sits on the opposite end of the table during meals, and doesn't talk to Jayden much outside team exercises. Suddenly, they aren't friends with a great deal of unresolved sexual tension anymore. Suddenly they're not even friends.

They're just teammates. And Jayden is alone again. More alone than he's been in a long, long time.

Ji sees it. Keeps asking if Jayden is alright. If he wants to talk. But as much as he loves Ji, as much of a father figure as he's been, there is nothing Jayden can tell him. There is nothing Jayden can confide about this particular issue that won't end badly.

He keeps asking himself if there's a way, if there's something he isn't seeing. He keeps trying to figure it out, because every time he sees Antonio, every time their eyes meet, and every time Antonio looks away, ashamed, his heart aches.

"I miss you," he tells Antonio one afternoon, when he's headed out to fish.

Antonio turns to him, gives him a small smile. "I didn't go anywhere."

"It's not fair," Jayden says, keeping his hands in his pockets and taking a step forward, "What I'm about to ask of you. But I need you. And I can't be what you need in return. But I still need you."

Antonio looks at him, but his face doesn't look hurt, or confused, or angry. It just looks like Antonio. Antonio reaches out, plucks a piece of lint off of Jayden's shirt. It's the closest they've been in weeks. "You're right," he says easily. "It's not fair."

Jayden lets out a sigh. He turns his head away, ready to walk back into the Shiba house with his head held high, alone on his pedestal of power, when Antonio touches his arm.

"But it's okay," he says gently, and he gives Jayden's arm a squeeze before he drops his hand. They're silent for a moment, and then Antonio grabs onto his fishing dolly. "I'll bring you some flounder. I know it's your favorite."

The casual touches return. Jayden's never been so grateful for a pat on the back, or an arm slung around his shoulders in playful teasing. And sometimes, when no one is around, he lets himself have a few moments of just holding Antonio, who holds him back like he's precious, like he's something to be cherished.

And even though Jayden can't be what he needs in return, Antonio is always there, is always offering up bits of himself to keep Jayden whole. He's always giving, and never getting, and he never complains.

It gives Jayden hope.

Hope that one day, maybe, Jayden will be able to give those pieces back. And he hopes, he really hopes, that that day will come before Antonio has given Jayden everything he has to give. He hopes that day will come before Antonio gives up on him.

"You don't give up on people you love," Antonio tells him quietly one day, the first time Jayden voices his hope. "You can get away from them, and you can love other people, and you can try to stop loving them, but you don't ever really give up."

Jayden moves in close to him, pushes their foreheads together and draws strength from Antonio's certainty.

"I'll never give up on you," Antonio tells him. "I never have."

And Jayden hopes.


End file.
